Monday, May 07, 2007

smashed.

just finished watching the 10pm channel u show.
it's an inspiring show, about a girl who chose to drop out from school cause she dislike studying and didnt know what she wants to achieve in life. however, she came to realise that she has a passion for fashion design and started working from scratch. she was lucky, her grandpa was a great tailor and she has a mentor who is the famous fashion designer, nick yau.

today's episode is nice. the girl receives recognition for her first workpiece. she feels elated, it's the first time she ever worked so hard for something, and her effort was rewarded.
at the moment when the girl was so happy that she teared, i feel the urge to tear as well.
feeling happy for her was one of the reasons, but disappointment in myself was another.

getting reminded of the long hours i spent in the kitchen trying so hard to study for the maths test, the nights when i made myself study in the room instead of joining the family for the tv shows, the effort that ive put in to stay awake in lectures, and the fact that all these havent been paying off, nearly drove me to tears.

it's unavoidable for me to start questioning myself. am i really not putting in sufficient effort, like what the teachers always like to assume? whats wrong? or rather, what went wrong?

friends gave me lots of motivations, and thanks (:
but i guess what i need is really SM. hahs, self motivation.
i wonder how much more can i still put in, and how long can i work with this morale.
sounds so mugger, hate it.
im fine. im still fine...

i actually dislike talking about school work on my blog. but somehow, i feel that i really have to let it all out and move on.

oh come on, whats the big deal?
i wish i could still be as happy-go-lucky.
but it's different this time.
where im heading and what's my future is set here, now.

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